Loss

Today is a "numb" day.
I lost my father in law on Jan 10, he took his last breath as I held him in my arms. He was 93, almost 94. We buried him on Jan 20.
Everyone tells me that it's for the best, he was old. The best for who?
I miss him. There's still things that I want to tell him. There's still advice I need from him. His body was shutting down but his mind was sharp.
I still talk to him but I want to hear his voice.
I am also mourning my own dad. He drowned when I was 6. I mourn for that little girl that didn't have a daddy.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just disappointed at the unfairness of it all.
I'm so sad.
Why can't I be happy? Why can't I do what those memes say: tell yourself when you go to bed that you will wake up and be happy... that you will leave the past in the past, and look forward to the future, blah blah.
It doesn't work for me. I have too much sh*t on my plate. That's what it feels like...
I want to run away.
I want someone to look after me.
I want what I didn't have as a child.

This is just too much for me.....
BooHoo!!!
Shut up Hooty!! Shut up!!