More confirmation

Oh dear,
Where do I begin?
One time, awhile back, I told my therapist that I wished my abuse wasn’t true. I suggested that perhaps I made it all up, just to get attention or something. (Well, I was hoping that it wasn’t true).
Unfortunately, my younger brother remembers too. He just didn’t know “why I had to go into the bedroom so often”.
He also remembers having to kneel on a broom handle and face the wall. He is a grown man and now he has problems with his knees.
I have osteo arthritis in my thumb, because our abuser would bend my thumbs backwards, to my wrist. Dr said it’s an old injury causing my arthritis now.
My two younger brothers and I each have shoulder problems. That was from getting our arm twisted behind our backs. I remember being “marched” into the bedroom when I was being rebellious... when I didn’t want to “do it”.
He always counted to three; I had to be naked and laying on the bed by the count of three or it would be worse.

A cousin who is one year younger than me, called me recently. We had a falling out many years ago. So we never spoke.
We saw each other at a funeral, we talked briefly. (About day to day life).
Then a few days later, she called me. Eventually we got onto the topic of the abuse. I had blocked out so many memories, I didn’t remember her being there with me.
I remembered the times when it was only “him” and me.
She told me that he used her as well as a wife or girlfriend....
Then she said she remembered the other guys lined up to get a turn. I remember the line up but I don’t remember their faces or their names.
Her older brother was one of them. My therapist said that I’m not ready to know the rest.
My cousin said she remembers each of their faces and their names. The F-ers.
She said she laid on the edge of the bed and I laid against the wall and they all took turns on the two of us. She remembers always looking up at my ceiling and waiting for it to be over. She also remembers “leaving her body” and watching from above.

I still get body memories. I can feel the pain deep inside my vagina. I beg God to take the memory away.
I name ice cream flavours, I focus on five things around me. That’s called grounding. I am getting better at it.
I still get nauseated a lot and throw up.
He used to punch me in the stomach quite often. I remember being in the hospital quite often as a child with a sore stomache. Sometimes I think I wanted to go to the hospital to get away from the abuse.

My younger brother wants me to find out who the other guys were. I’m afraid. I’m afraid to know.
I’m afraid to face them one day.

Other cousins say that they remember that he was so mean to me. They didn’t know about the sexual abuse, only the physical abuse.

Another subject:
One time when I was wrestling with a younger cousin, a good one, one of his little brothers kicked me between the legs, he was wearing pointy oxfords. Dress shoes.
I cried. My mom “checked” me but there was no blood.
I remember her checking... but since I was the only girl, she probably wouldn’t have even known what to look for if there was any damage or anything from what the older boys were doing to me.

I wish I could turn back the clock and tell on those boys.

Mother’s Day 2018

Well, another year has passed.
I had a “relapse”... I was starting to feel better and do better.
I went back to square one.
I’m not in any mood to celebrate Mother’s Day again pm. I said that I would stop in for abit.
My inlaw family is having a moms day day for mom inlaw. I don’t know if I am ready for that crowd yet. I feel bad, but somewhere deep inside of me, Mother’s day is a trigger.

I still can’t send roses to Heaven on FB. It wouldn’t seem “true”. I do love my mom and I forgive her. She was a different person when she died.
I just can’t get past the name calling when I was younger.
I wish that I could separate into two people, it’s like I’ve had two lives.

I am so grateful for my husband. He is my rock.
My sister in law is also my rock. She totally understands me.
I am distancing from certain family members again, because they only contact me when they want money or something from me.

I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter. She is also my rock. She sends me random texts and messages telling me how much she loves me. She prays for me EVERY day. I need that.
I try so hard to be a good person, but there’s days when I cuss and swear like my mom did. She could do it. But we were never allowed to.
I think I only do it now because there’s nobody to tell me to stop, or nobody to tell me that I will get my mouth slapped.
Even my first husband didn’t allow me to swear. He would threaten to slap my mouth too. Yet he could swear at me while we were arguing.
It was so unfair.

Between God and I, I have told Him that I want to stop. I want to be a good girl again.
My hubby (current) once said that my pretty little mouth is too nice to have words like that come out of it. But he said it in a loving way. I explained to him that I only do it out of spite to my past. I am regaining my power. Even if it’s bad.

I do have some good days.
I have a very dear friend Moppets who has been to hell and back too. She totally gets me. We have never met in person, we are internet friends. But we talk via email, text, and phone.
I know I have several people in my life who truly do support me. I try to focus on them and just choose whether I can be with the others who have no clue, or don’t even want to hear my story.
Or if they have heard my story, they brush it under the rug.

I am seriously going to write my book. Perhaps in the winter months. It will be based on all of my journals and memories.

I NEED to do this for me. It won’t be a published book. I will print a few copies and bind it, but it won’t be published. Who knows, maybe it will be down the road.

I already have the name picked out: HOOTY SURVIVED, and my tattoo on my wrist.
Perhaps I will show the current tattoo with the two filled in hearts - representing my two younger brothers. And the outlined heart which represents me. I said when I got it that one day I will be healed and I will get my heart filled in solid too.
I’m thinking perhaps I will show both. The outlined heart and then the filled in heart.
That might be kind of cool.

The current one means Hooty survived, the filled in heart will mean Hooty healed.