Introduction

Let me introduce myself:
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, rapes, mental and physical abuse.
I suffer from complex PTSD.
I was also diagnosed with Traumatic Amnesia years ago. When I was 30 years old or so. That was when I first got my memory back about the abuse. I was in counselling for three years. But I was in my second bad marriage, I had a full time job and five children to raise. I really didn't have time to "fall apart".
I "managed". I survived..

Now that I am retired, and happily married, in a stable relationship, no abuse... my memories came back full force! More than I ever anticipated!!

I've endured, flashbacks, nightmares, body memories, suicidal thoughts - although I didn't attempt suicide. (The thought of ending the pain was in the back of my mind).
I was angry at my abusers, I was angry at my mother for not protecting me, I was angry at God, I wanted and needed answers!!! I didn't want to be on medication, and be zoned out.
I didn't want to feel so much pain, but I did. I endured it.

I was angry because some of the people I was angry with are no longer living. I wanted to spit in his face!! I wanted to yell at her!
Most of all, I wanted to forget, I wanted to be set free!!

That wasn't possible. I will never forget. However, I am learning to live with it. I've learned that it wasn't my fault. I was just a little girl. I could not defend myself.
Instead, I sacrificed myself (over and over again) in order to defend my two little brothers.
I've often said that I would do anything to defend my brothers. I've often said that if I had to do it over again, yes, I would, if it meant keeping them from hurting.
-- Only once, was the pain so great that I told my therapist that it hurt too much and I couldn't do this again. Not even for my brothers.
Only once, was I so weak that I felt that I couldn't endure the healing.

If you are going through the healing process, if you are a survivor, reach out for help. Talk about it. Even if the first person doesn't want to listen, tell the next person. Talking is a healing in itself. Call the crisis line, join a support group, unfortunately I haven't been able to find one. But therapy and close supportive friends, as well as my wonderful husband have been my life line.

Do not listen to those inner voices that tell you that it's all in your head, or that you deserved it, or that it was your fault! It wasn't.
You are also not crazy or going crazy, although it may feel that way at times.
Reading other blogs and stories also helped me. Knowing that I was not alone. Sometimes it felt like they were writing MY story!
How could someone else be feeling the EXACT feelings that I was feeling? The more I read, the more I felt hope.

I will continue to write about my journey. I am in no way healed yet. I accept the fact that I may spend the rest of my life healing. But I've also decided that I will no longer be silent.
I'm taking a risk that some of my family members may get mad at me for exposing the truth. However, the ones who really matter will stand by me.

I was recently told that only 25% of people actually like you. 25% don't like you, and the remaining 50% don't know you or don't care.
So focus on the 25% who DO like you. I like that. :-)

Be blessed,
HS