Another bad day

I had a bad day on Thursday. I was waiting for hubby to come home. It was our anniversary.
I was already getting anxious. But then the lady from the new counselling centre called and I had a bad panic attack.
When someone asks how I am doing, I can't say that I am fine. I basically fall apart and say "not good".
We talked. She said that I need more support, and asked if someone was there with me. I said no, I didn't know where my husband was. ((I couldn't think straight)). 

She calmed me down, reminded me to breathe. She made an appointment for Wednesday. She said I need more support, maybe call a crisis centre. I said no, I wouldn't. She asked can I talk to someone else. I said only my husband but he's seldom home.

I told her that people tell me I need a job or something but I said some days I can hardly tie my shoes, never mind drive to work.... I panic...

She said "No, you need to get better before you can consider a job, or anything else (major) in your life. You are dealing with too much at the moment"She made an appointment for Wednesday for me to see her for three sessions. I'm still on a one year waiting list.

Plus I will be starting group on Mondays.

I haven't told anyone, but Im high risk right now. I've been thinking about dying...

So, she sort of had to calm me down...

 We (hubby and I) want to get me more support but I get very very stressed thinking about going to the new appointments or to group therapy on Mondays, at same centre. There's no parking. That's where I got my parking ticket in the summer.

 There is free two hour parking a few streets over but my session is two hours and twenty minutes so Im screwed.

Last night I had a very bad dream, it triggered another panic attack. My body shakes, I can't focus, I'm scared... blah blah... but Hubby was home. It happens when I am alone too. The meds help abit but I can't drive.

It's like there's two of me. The scared little girl who's hurting and the real me.

It's all from the PTSD. But there's not enough room in my brain for me to deal with normal every day stresses. It triggers an attack.
I used to be so much much fun; I was happy, I want that back. I don't want these triggers or flashbacks or body memories anymore. 

Unfortunately there was a lot of trauma so it's going to take a while to process it all.

It was five years as a child, plus other stuff later on. 

Even if it was only once a week, multiply that by five years and that's still way too much sexual and physical abuse for one little girl.

The nights my mom stayed over at her boyfriends, she came home early in the morning,,, was I living like a wife? Did we have sex all night? I had no childhood.

Not many people can even fathom that.

I cleaned and watched my brothers, protected my brothers... had sex and then went back outside to play like a little girl was supposed to play.  Or did I only get to play when he wasn't home? I remember playing outside once and he came and whispered in my ear to get inside and get naked. I didn't want to.

He dragged me inside, told the kids outside I had dirty panties and I needed to change them. (Meaning poopy or dirty? I don't know. My mom always made me wear a dress). After he was finished with me, I changed my clothes and went back outside and the kids teased me.

Before that, I scratched his ear. I was showing off in front of my friends, thinking that he wouldn't make me do it.

He took a big steel scissors and snapped off all of my nails.

When I tried to tell my mom when she got home. He pretended to cry and said I scratched him and npmade him bleed and I was showing off my panties so he made me come inside and change. My mom got mad at me and said only whores have long nails anyway. And I should be ashamed of myself for showing off my dirty panties.

He was evil.

Loss

Today is a "numb" day.
I lost my father in law on Jan 10, he took his last breath as I held him in my arms. He was 93, almost 94. We buried him on Jan 20.
Everyone tells me that it's for the best, he was old. The best for who?
I miss him. There's still things that I want to tell him. There's still advice I need from him. His body was shutting down but his mind was sharp.
I still talk to him but I want to hear his voice.
I am also mourning my own dad. He drowned when I was 6. I mourn for that little girl that didn't have a daddy.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just disappointed at the unfairness of it all.
I'm so sad.
Why can't I be happy? Why can't I do what those memes say: tell yourself when you go to bed that you will wake up and be happy... that you will leave the past in the past, and look forward to the future, blah blah.
It doesn't work for me. I have too much sh*t on my plate. That's what it feels like...
I want to run away.
I want someone to look after me.
I want what I didn't have as a child.

This is just too much for me.....
BooHoo!!!
Shut up Hooty!! Shut up!!

Introduction

Let me introduce myself:
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, rapes, mental and physical abuse.
I suffer from complex PTSD.
I was also diagnosed with Traumatic Amnesia years ago. When I was 30 years old or so. That was when I first got my memory back about the abuse. I was in counselling for three years. But I was in my second bad marriage, I had a full time job and five children to raise. I really didn't have time to "fall apart".
I "managed". I survived..

Now that I am retired, and happily married, in a stable relationship, no abuse... my memories came back full force! More than I ever anticipated!!

I've endured, flashbacks, nightmares, body memories, suicidal thoughts - although I didn't attempt suicide. (The thought of ending the pain was in the back of my mind).
I was angry at my abusers, I was angry at my mother for not protecting me, I was angry at God, I wanted and needed answers!!! I didn't want to be on medication, and be zoned out.
I didn't want to feel so much pain, but I did. I endured it.

I was angry because some of the people I was angry with are no longer living. I wanted to spit in his face!! I wanted to yell at her!
Most of all, I wanted to forget, I wanted to be set free!!

That wasn't possible. I will never forget. However, I am learning to live with it. I've learned that it wasn't my fault. I was just a little girl. I could not defend myself.
Instead, I sacrificed myself (over and over again) in order to defend my two little brothers.
I've often said that I would do anything to defend my brothers. I've often said that if I had to do it over again, yes, I would, if it meant keeping them from hurting.
-- Only once, was the pain so great that I told my therapist that it hurt too much and I couldn't do this again. Not even for my brothers.
Only once, was I so weak that I felt that I couldn't endure the healing.

If you are going through the healing process, if you are a survivor, reach out for help. Talk about it. Even if the first person doesn't want to listen, tell the next person. Talking is a healing in itself. Call the crisis line, join a support group, unfortunately I haven't been able to find one. But therapy and close supportive friends, as well as my wonderful husband have been my life line.

Do not listen to those inner voices that tell you that it's all in your head, or that you deserved it, or that it was your fault! It wasn't.
You are also not crazy or going crazy, although it may feel that way at times.
Reading other blogs and stories also helped me. Knowing that I was not alone. Sometimes it felt like they were writing MY story!
How could someone else be feeling the EXACT feelings that I was feeling? The more I read, the more I felt hope.

I will continue to write about my journey. I am in no way healed yet. I accept the fact that I may spend the rest of my life healing. But I've also decided that I will no longer be silent.
I'm taking a risk that some of my family members may get mad at me for exposing the truth. However, the ones who really matter will stand by me.

I was recently told that only 25% of people actually like you. 25% don't like you, and the remaining 50% don't know you or don't care.
So focus on the 25% who DO like you. I like that. :-)

Be blessed,
HS

Healing Journey

It is a new year. I have Complex PTSD. It's been one hellava journey for the past year.
I suffered sexual abuse as a child for five years, from the age of 7 until I was almost 12.
My older brother was five and half years older than me. He did most of the abuse, however, laptop of other older boys joined in.
I was physically abused. I was mentally abused.
I am now in therapy and my therapist told me that I survived by disassociation.

I find that by writing and sharing my story, it helps me to heal.
I've come a long way in nine months. Considering I was curled up in a fetal position, all alone and crying, just ten months ago.
I had no clue about what was happening to me.

I'm too tired to write more right now.
I've never used a blog before.

If anyone else is a survivor, and you want to share, please feel free.

I hope my blog will help you to know that you are not alone.
I tell myself that I survived the abuse, I will survive the healing.

Good night.
Stay strong.

HS