More confirmation

Oh dear,
Where do I begin?
One time, awhile back, I told my therapist that I wished my abuse wasn’t true. I suggested that perhaps I made it all up, just to get attention or something. (Well, I was hoping that it wasn’t true).
Unfortunately, my younger brother remembers too. He just didn’t know “why I had to go into the bedroom so often”.
He also remembers having to kneel on a broom handle and face the wall. He is a grown man and now he has problems with his knees.
I have osteo arthritis in my thumb, because our abuser would bend my thumbs backwards, to my wrist. Dr said it’s an old injury causing my arthritis now.
My two younger brothers and I each have shoulder problems. That was from getting our arm twisted behind our backs. I remember being “marched” into the bedroom when I was being rebellious... when I didn’t want to “do it”.
He always counted to three; I had to be naked and laying on the bed by the count of three or it would be worse.

A cousin who is one year younger than me, called me recently. We had a falling out many years ago. So we never spoke.
We saw each other at a funeral, we talked briefly. (About day to day life).
Then a few days later, she called me. Eventually we got onto the topic of the abuse. I had blocked out so many memories, I didn’t remember her being there with me.
I remembered the times when it was only “him” and me.
She told me that he used her as well as a wife or girlfriend....
Then she said she remembered the other guys lined up to get a turn. I remember the line up but I don’t remember their faces or their names.
Her older brother was one of them. My therapist said that I’m not ready to know the rest.
My cousin said she remembers each of their faces and their names. The F-ers.
She said she laid on the edge of the bed and I laid against the wall and they all took turns on the two of us. She remembers always looking up at my ceiling and waiting for it to be over. She also remembers “leaving her body” and watching from above.

I still get body memories. I can feel the pain deep inside my vagina. I beg God to take the memory away.
I name ice cream flavours, I focus on five things around me. That’s called grounding. I am getting better at it.
I still get nauseated a lot and throw up.
He used to punch me in the stomach quite often. I remember being in the hospital quite often as a child with a sore stomache. Sometimes I think I wanted to go to the hospital to get away from the abuse.

My younger brother wants me to find out who the other guys were. I’m afraid. I’m afraid to know.
I’m afraid to face them one day.

Other cousins say that they remember that he was so mean to me. They didn’t know about the sexual abuse, only the physical abuse.

Another subject:
One time when I was wrestling with a younger cousin, a good one, one of his little brothers kicked me between the legs, he was wearing pointy oxfords. Dress shoes.
I cried. My mom “checked” me but there was no blood.
I remember her checking... but since I was the only girl, she probably wouldn’t have even known what to look for if there was any damage or anything from what the older boys were doing to me.

I wish I could turn back the clock and tell on those boys.