After Mothers Day

Well Mothers Day has come and gone. I got through it. I avoided Facebook. I didn't want to see the posts "sending a rose to my mother in Heaven" or "honour your mother while she is still here"....
I used to be able to do that.
I can't do it right now though because I am still hurting and wondering why she didn't protect me when I needed her. When I was that little girl being abused and used. She only criticized me. Right up until a few years before she passed.
I often often asked myself "why doesn't she love me"?
I'm sorry, I just can't  get past that.
One day I will send roses to Heaven or whatever.
In my mind, she is linked to my childhood nightmare. I have so many questions: was she afraid of my brother? Was she afraid of losing her babysitter? Did she think it couldn't be that bad? I will never have answers.
I'm getting better about letting them go.

My brother's son whom I loved, raised and adopted no longer speaks to me. I know it was his wife... but he still has a mind of his own. I ask if it's punishment from the grave? What have I done to deserve this? I am afraid of more hurts. I am afraid to contact him. I never in my wildest dreams EVER thought that my son would shut me out.
It hurts. I try to suppress it and not allow it to hurt me.
I have too much time on my hands to think. I am alone. I have my pets but sometimes I miss having an adult conversation.
I am still in therapy. I am still in group. It is helping.
Self care is hard for me to do. It's hard for me to say no. I'm learning.
I'm learning actually by isolating myself. I don't answer my phone, I don't like to call people. If I do, it might mean that I have to do something for them. I enjoy helping people but more so when it is on my terms. When it's not convenient for me, I will still do it but I feel used.

One day I will be healed. One day I will be strong.

To all the survivors out there. Hang in there!!! Even if it feels like it's only a shoe lace.  Hang on.

God Bless You.
xo